Birth Story: Miss Cora Carolina

This is going to be long and nobody has to read it, but for my sake and the sake of documenting, I'm going to write as much as I can.

I had a lot of fears going into the birth of our child. I was very afraid of being induced and therefore having contractions that I couldn't handle, having to get an epidural, and ultimately needing to have a c-section.  I am kind of a "worst-case scenario" type person where I assume what I don't want to happen is going to happen and then am pleasantly surprised when things go the way that I want them to.  It definitely isn't always the best attitude to have, but it is some kind of weird coping mechanism I have developed over the years.

Sunday evening, March 13, my heart started racing after going to the bathroom and noticing that I was losing portions of what appeared to be my mucus plug.  It doesn't seem like a lot of people know what that is, but prior to your bag of waters breaking, you lose a plug that has been keeping your cervix closed throughout your pregnancy.  Many women never notice it happening or it happens all at once during labor.  I tried not to get too excited about it as a first time mom labor could still be a week away.

Monday, March 14 was a day that I was really looking forward to not being at work for.  My friend, Meghan had guessed this as my due date in our office poll in an effort to save me one more Monday where everyone really noticed and made comments that I was there.  The day at work went by largely uneventfully.  I had a midwife appointment at the end of the work day where, since I was past my due date, she checked me.  I was -3 station, 80% effaced, and 1 cm dilated.  Nothing too terribly exciting as I still had a long ways to go, but progress is progress.  That evening, I took a long nap on the couch and woke around 7:30 p.m. to some pretty strong contractions.  I pulled out my contraction timer app on my phone and started timing them.  Justin and I went to Cafe Rio to get tostadas and I just worked through the contractions.  They were strong, but not unmanageable. and were sporadic.  They were anywhere from 10-15 minutes apart, always lasting about a minute.  I had a few that were closer together at about 8 minutes apart, but they really didn't seem to be progressing.  I texted my doula, Meagan, to let her know about the contractions just in case I ended up needing her to come over in the middle of the night.

We went to bed that night and I barely slept, waking every so often to deal with and time a contraction and then falling back asleep in between.  At about 5 in the morning of March 15, I told myself that if the contractions continued at 6 a.m. when it was time to go to work, I would stay home.  I managed to fall asleep at this point and when my alarm went off at 6 a.m. got up and started getting ready for the day.  The contractions had not come back.  I went to work and started going about my day.  A coworker excitedly exclaimed that I was still there and teased me about going into labor at work.  He told me, "you just let me know who I have to call...."  I laughed it off thinking I was still at least a few days out from having this baby.

Around 9 a.m., I headed over to Starbucks with a few of my coworkers.  While there, I started having contractions again.  I silently pulled out my contraction timer and started keeping track.  In the beginning, they seemed the same as the night before.  They were 6-8 minutes apart, lasting a minute, but were largely sporadic.  I just kept going about my day.  The contractions were different, however, in that they were so strong that I had to concentrate on each one.  They were so strong that they made my eyes water and took my breath away.  Around 10:30, myself and another coworker, Becki, walked over to the pediatric ophthalmology clinic at Primary Children's to get some water and to talk to Dr. Hoffman.  Before heading in, I paused outside the clinic asking Becki to wait a minute.  I didn't want people to see me struggling and have them comment about me having the baby soon.  Becki grinned at me and said, "Oh girl, you need to go home."  I shrugged her comment off and went into the clinic once the contraction was done.  Dr. Hoffman was so excited to see me.  He said, "Thank you for being here today!" and gave me a list of things that he needed accomplished that day.  After leaving the clinic, I again paused on the bridge heading back to the Moran.

I stopped at my friend's desk on my way back to mine and showed her the contraction timer to ask her what she thought.  I still didn't believe that I was actually in labor and figured that they were probably just going to stop.  She told me that she thought I probably should head home. I went upstairs and got a turkey sandwich, knowing that I really needed to eat something.  The contractions were strong enough at this point that I felt really nauseated during each one so I was only able to get through half of the sandwich.  I was texting my doula and she asked if she could call.  She also said that I should probably go home and told me that she was in Bountiful and could come to my house at a moment's notice if I needed her.  She said the nausea and pain in my back was a sign that the baby was posterior and it would probably be a good thing to try and work to turn the baby.  After the call, Becki came back over to my desk to check on me and again told me that she could take care of anything that came up and that I should just go home. At this point, I headed over to my manager's office and told her that I needed to go home.  She asked me what was going on and through tears, I told her that my contractions were about 6-8 minutes apart.  She asked me if Justin was coming to get me, but I told her that I could make it home.  I wasn't crying because of the contractions at that point, but just because I was so emotional about the whole thing.  However, I still didn't believe that baby was actually coming that day.

I realize that it seems counterproductive to go home when you work on campus of the hospital you are delivering at and you think that you might be in labor, but I didn't want to go in and risk them telling me I wasn't progressed enough to be admitted.  Also, I was concerned that the more time I spent in the hospital, the more time there would be for interventions.  It made more sense for me to labor for as long as I could in the comfort of my own home.

I called Justin as I was leaving work.  He was at Buffalo Wild Wings for a company lunch and had already ordered.  He told me later that some of his coworkers had told him to just go to lunch in their car, but he had insisted that he take his own.  Good thing,  :-)  I also called my mom and asked her to come get Fievel and Ellie from our house.  During the car ride home, I put on my Hypnobabies track, Birthing Day Affirmations.  Justin and I arrived home at the same time.  We spent the next little while timing contractions and doing a few household chores.  Soon though, the contractions got worse and Justin applied pressure to my back during them and I just laid on the bed in between each one.  We continued to listen to the Birthing Day Affirmations.  I hadn't switched to the next track because I still was not convinced that I was actually in labor.

After a while, I had Justin call Meagan to come to our house.  When she got there we worked through some more contractions and used a Rebozo to "sift" my belly in a effort to get her to turn.  At some point, we realized that my contractions had been at the magical 4-1-1 (4 minutes apart lasting a minute for an hour) for about 2 hours.  Meagan suggested that we go to the hospital at this point and get checked as she felt that I was creating a mental block for myself because I was so concerned about when we should go.  I didn't want to be in transition in the car, but I also didn't want to be sent home.  We left for the hospital around 3:30 p.m.  Contractions in the car were not fun, but were manageable.  Justin would apply pressure to a pressure point on my hand during each one.  I was still pretty calm in between contractions and was almost convinced that they were going to send us home.

When we got to the hospital, the valet was already closed despite it not being time for it to be closed so Justin parked the car out front and walked me in.  There were plenty of wheelchairs by the door, but I really had no interest in sitting down.  We went to Triage where they checked me.  I was dilated to a 3+.  They did a non-stress test where I was hooked up, monitoring baby's heartrate and my contractions.  The beds in triage are certainly the types of bed that they would have in hell.  They are nothing more than a stretcher.  It was difficult working through contractions having to be on my back.  After about an hour, the nurses came back and checked me again.  At this point, I was a 4.  They contacted the midwife on call to find out whether or not to admit me.  Since I was GBS positive and would require antibiotics every 4 hours during labor, they decided to admit.  They also did an ultrasound at this point to confirm baby's position.  She was indeed very much sunny side up (posterior). One of the triage nurses tried to put an IV in my left hand, but was unsuccessful and I could feel the blood running down my arm and fingers.  If you know me, you know that I have never handled blood very well.  I was fully aware of what was going on with the IV, but I told myself that I couldn't be afraid of this because I knew they were going to have to try again and the fear would only make it worse for me.  I kept my gaze averted and just continued to listen to the track that Justin had playing out loud in the room.

After the failed IV attempt, I walked over to the Labor and Delivery unit across the hall.  Once there, a nurse put an IV in my right forearm and I was again tied to the bed for awhile.  Justin and the doula continued applying counter pressure to my knees while the antibiotics were administered and baby was monitored.  I got antibiotics 3 times during labor.  I finally had Justin switch the Hynobabies track to Easy First Stage, accepting that baby was actually coming.

The University of Utah recently started a waterbirth study and I had signed up so I started being more and more pushy about getting in the tub.  They eventually started to fill it and I was able to unhook from the IV and get in.  I'm not really sure how long I labored in the tub for.  It was during this time that I started to say "I wish I knew how much longer this was going to take."  Justin had brought his swimming suit and got in the tub with me.  At some point, the midwife, Sarah, came in and told him that it was against hospital protocol for him to be in there with me, but that she was going to overlook it for the time being.  The water provided some relief from the contractions, but not the miracle cure that my Hypnobabies class and other people had made it sound.  I don't know if this is because Cora was posterior and all of my labor was in my back.  Being in the tub also put me in an awkward position for Justin and Meagan to apply counter pressure.  I'm not really sure how long I was in there, but after awhile I needed to use the restroom and wanted to get out.

I decided to go back to the bed leaning with the head of the bed up.  Justin placed a picture frame that had a picture of Fievel and Ellie on one side and my family on the other in front of me as something for me to focus on.  They checked me at some point and I was dilated to a 9, but baby was still high in my pelvis at a -3 station.  The back labor was killer and I didn't feel that I was coping very well.  Hypnobabies still played in the background and while I found her voice very calming and soothing, I found trying to use it practically during labor was really difficult for me.  It was hard to follow her instructions when I was in the thick of things.  While laboring this way, my water broke.  I remember in the back of my mind having some small sense of embarrassment as I knew Justin, Meagan, and the midwife were all behind me.  I asked Justin later if he had gotten splashed, but fortunately, I was covered between the hospital gown and a blanket so no splashing took place :-).  After my water broke, they checked me again and I had digressed back to a 7 and baby was still really high up in my pelvis.  At this time, I really started to lose it and didn't feel like I could keep going.  I never once asked for an epidural, but instead kept saying "I can't do this anymore. Please."  I remember the midwife asking me how I was managing my pain and I just kept shaking my head.  It was going through my head that this was going to go on for awhile and then I was going to "push for 6 hours" before the baby would come out.  They were asking me if I was feeling any pressure anywhere but my back, but it was just all consuming.  I couldn't feel anything else.  I was convinced that she was never going to come out.

I got back in the tub and labored for awhile.  They informed me that I had risked out of being able to birth in the water because when my water broke there was some meconium in it.  I was okay with that though as I didn't really feel the water helped that much.  There was for awhile a small sense of calm as I looked at the picture of Fievel and Ellie and my family and the tired and calm faces of Justin, the midwife, and Meagan.  This was probably the only part of labor that I somewhat enjoyed.  I remember joking with Justin about Fievel and Ellie's reactions to the baby.

After getting out of the tub and laboring in the bed for awhile, the midwife suggested we put a monitor in to see if my contractions were strong enough to bring baby down.  If not, they would give me pitocin to strengthen the contractions.  This idea was terrifying to me for two reasons.  One, I didn't think I could possibly handle stronger contractions and two, it would result in me getting an epidural.  She wasn't going to come out and ultimately, after all this hard work, they would send me for a c-section.  Just as the midwife was going to put the monitor in, she checked me one last time and I had miraculously dilated back to a 9 and was completely effaced.  Cora was engaged in my pelvis at a 0 station.  I labored for a while in the same bent over position on the bed.  Meagan got the Rebozo out and continued trying to sift my belly to get Cora to turn.  I had a 4 minute long contraction at one point.  This is when they think that she finally corkscrewed around so that she could come out the way she is supposed to.   I stopped saying that I couldn't do this anymore and instead just said "I just need a break.  Please."  They brought out the squatting bar for the bed, telling me that it was time to push her out.  Justin put out the "Pushing Baby Out" Hypnobabies track.

I still don't quite understand how it all happened because I never felt contractions in my stomach at all and the only pressure I continued to feel was in my back.  At one point, the midwife told me to reached my hand down to feel her head and I was so confused by the whole thing because I was still convinced that she wasn't going to come out.  I never felt the so-called "ring of fire" that everyone talks about of baby's head crowning.  The midwife told me that my baby was almost here, just two more contractions and she would be out.  I remember having 4 contractions and I was mad that she had told me it would only be two :-P.

I only pushed for about 40 minutes and little Cora came into this world.  Justin said his first impression of her was that she was long and blue.  The midwife milked the cord and handed her off to the waiting team to be assessed.  She had Apgar scores of 8 and 9.  They suctioned her mouth and we heard our little girl's first cry.  While she was on the table, I asked two questions.  Does she have hair? and is she a ginger?  I also made sure that she was in fact a girl because I had this ridiculous fear in the back of my mind after everything we bought and were given that she would turn out to be a he.  :-P Both Justin and I marveled at her perfect little head, seeing how we had seen some birth videos with babies with really strangely shaped heads.  Shortly after, they put her on my chest and we stayed like that for about two hours before we were transferred to the Maternal and Fetal Care Unit via a wheelchair.

This was definitely the hardest thing that I have ever done, but also the most rewarding.  There is no way that I could have done it without my doula Meagan and Justin.  They worked tirelessly and put just as much effort in as I did.  The midwife and nurse were also incredible and provided a lot of counter pressure in order to give Justin and Meagan small breaks here and there.  I felt SO incredibly loved and supported by everyone involved.  My love, appreciation, and respect for Justin grew by incredible bounds going through this experience with him, as well as watching him interact with Cora moment by moment.

I felt like the Hypnobabies course was really good for us to take and I do feel like the tracks helped calm me during labor, but ultimately above all I would recommend to others that want to go unmedicated to get a wonderful doula and have a birth partner that is highly supportive.

10 hours of prodromal labor, 6 hours of pre-labor, 20 hours of active labor, and 40 minutes of pushing: she is here and she is perfect!

Cora Carolina Beagley 6 lbs 13.9 oz, 19 inches long born at 4:39 a.m. on March 16, 2016.

Pregnancy: Miss Cora Carolina

I haven't posted on here in a really long time, but this seemed like the easiest format for what I wanted to do. I wanted to write down the story of how little Cora came to into this world. I wanted to start out by documenting my pregnancy.

Justin and I got pregnant after 6 months of trying, 3 months of sporadic fun and 3 months of a concentrated effort. In no way would I want to lessen the struggles that people go through that experience infertility, but the disappointment of not being pregnant month after month is definitely heartbreaking. During the time I spent trying to get pregnant, I became an expert on all things fertility, driving Justin to near insanity, I'm sure. The morning of July 15, I woke and took a pregnancy test because my BBT was still at a peak after 15 days, which was the limit I set for myself to wait to take yet another pregnancy test. I used an "internet cheapie" test and it came back positive. Frantic, I ran out to the car to grab one of the First Response Early Result tests that are quite a bit more expensive to confirm, hardly daring to believe it to be true.

When that came back positive, I had to tell someone. I had planned out the best way to tell Justin that I was pregnant with the "New Dad" Willow Tree Figurine.

However, that didn't go as planned as I burst into our bedroom saying "Justin, I'm pregnant." seconds later. Later that day at work, I still collected the figurine and brought it home to him. We went to Cafe Niche that night and enjoyed one of my last meals before morning sickness hit hard. Justin and I had decided to wait to tell people that we were pregnant until I was 12 weeks along. Unfortunately, that didn't quite go as planned. The morning sickness hit hard at just 6 weeks and was unbearable and obvious that something was going on with me. Also, we had a planned camping trip with a group of friends where it would be very obvious that something was going on if I didn't show. We broke the news to my parents and Justin's and then I gave him the green light to tell his friends over the weekend. We ended up announcing when I was 10 weeks along.

My "morning sickness" lasted for about 7 months all day and night and even up to 8 months, I would have moments where I would suddenly become very sick and throw up everything I ate. It was not fun, but I was very happy to be pregnant and besides feeling ill felt relatively well physically my entire pregnancy. In total during my pregnancy, I missed 3 days at work. It was NOT fun, but the maternity leave will be worth it.

At 36 weeks, I woke up at 2 in the morning with my whole body itching like crazy. It seemed to come in a wave down my body starting with my head and moving to my ears, my chin, my neck, my torso, my stomach and it would just cycle. I went to the midwives the next day and was diagnosed with a rash of pregnancy called Pemphigoid Gestationis. This is a 1 in 80,000 disease and basically what happens is that your body attacks the collagen that is in your placenta (and in your skin) which causes the reaction. It may appear as a hive-like rash, but then develops into blisters. Some of the side effects of this are preterm birth, low birth weight, placenta failure and low amniotic fluid. I had to have an non-stress test to check on the placenta and my amniotic fluid, as well as monitor baby's heartrate. Fortunately, Cora passed with flying colors. Otherwise, they would have induced me by the end of that week. By Sunday of the following week, I woke up and the rash had completely disappeared. To this point, we have no idea what caused it. It could have been an allergic reaction to something I came in contact with or it is possible that it was stress-induced. I was just relieved that everything seemed to be going ok and that I wasn't going to need to be induced at that point.

The rest of my pregnancy was pretty uneventful. I really struggled at work the last 2 weeks of my pregnancy with all of the good-natured comments of "You're still here!" and the not so good-natured ones of "My baby was late and if we had waited any longer they would have been stillborn." I had a few really bad days, but had a good friend at work that reminded me to try and enjoy these last few moments of being pregnant with my precious little girl because these are moments that I won't be able to get back. I did a lot of research on the science behind due dates and how they are calculated. Despite my ESTIMATED due date of 3/12/16, I came up with the range of 3/17-3/23 based on my LMP, the date I ovulated, and my first trimester ultrasound. I was content on waiting her out - but going to work was hard. :-P

Our sweet little girl waited until 4 days past my due date to make her debut on March 16, 2016.


I will be making a separate post about her birth story.

Paleo - Day 7

So here we are at day 7 of a Paleo diet.  It has been going well for the most part.  On day 4, I felt better than I have in a really long time. I woke up feeling like I had actually gotten a full night's rest. This is HUGE!!!  I haven't felt as desperate for sleep all week.  I am hoping the progress keeps up!  We have been very good at sticking to it, minus 2 dinners that we already had planned this week, so we are at 93% for our first week.

Since the Paleo diet is a pretty restrictive diet, a lot of people have been asking me what we can eat. I have taken a few pictures of some of our meals from the last week to demonstrate.  I have gotten most of my recipes from primallyinspired.com.  I highly recommend it, even if only for just REAL food ideas.

Our first day:  Chicken Bell Pepper Nachos and a Strawberry Breakfast Cake 

BLT Chicken Salad

We also had a Pumpkin and Pork (no bean) Chili, also from Primally Inspired that is not pictured.  It was delish, but doesn't photograph well.

Tonight, I went about Paleo-izing a meal that I've wanted to make for a long time and made it for my Daddy's Father's Day dinner.  Here is the original link.  Basically, I used coconut oil to fry the chicken in and I made a plum sauce from a Paleo book that Justin got me because we can't have any form of sugar, including artificial that would be in Smucker's jams.  Plus, since reading the plum sauce recipe, I wanted to try it.

5 Spice Chicken with Plum Sauce

I also had to get a little bit creative with our breakfast this morning.  Unfortunately, I took this picture after I had flipped my eggs over to use the yolk as part of the dressing.  It really was beautiful, but you'll just have to take my word for it.

Sunny side up eggs on top of spring mix, avocado, and tomatoes with an olive oil, balsamic vinaigrette

I am excited to see what a difference another week can make and here's hoping for 100%!  So far, I don't feel like I'm missing out on much and I think you can (largely) agree!  :-)

Tomorrow, we are having Justin's family for dinner and I am planning on making Fish Tacos with Mango Salsa Verde.  We'll substitute Boston lettuce for the tortillas, skip the rice, and have a great salad along side it.  Should be great!

Paleo - Day 1

For those of you that follow my blog, you know that I have been having a really hard time with energy for awhile now.  You may also know that I was diagnosed with Chronic Fatigue Disorder.  Chronic Fatigue Disorder is one of those diagnoses that you are almost more loathe to get because throughout the medical community, like fibromyalgia, it is controversial on whether or not it is a "real" diagnosis.  I assure you that the affects that I have felt over the last year and a half are very real and worse at sometimes than others.
After quite a few visits to the doctors that have been less than helpful, I have decided to take my health into my own hands.

You may also know that Justin has been experiencing some stomach problems for the last year or so as well with just as few answers as me.  He has even had a CT scan for kidney stones!!!  When I approached him with the idea of going paleo, he was very accepting of the idea.

So what is paleo???

A Paleo diet involves eating meat and vegetables, nuts and seeds, little starch, some fruit and no sugar.  It means no grains, legumes, dairy or alcohol. 

That may sound pretty restrictive, but I am hoping that it will help Justin and I feel better - and if we feel better... then isn't it all worth it?

I'm hoping to keep an diary for at least the first 30 days of what I am feeling and whether or not things are getting better.  .

Here is what today is looking like:

B:  Sweet potato with coconut oil and cinnamon
L:  Steak salad from Chipolte (No rice, no cheese, or sour cream)
D:  Loaded Mexican Bell Pepper Nachos

I'm feeling pretty good, though also pretty tired.  I took a long nap today, but have managed to stay up passed 10 p.m... so far so good.

If you are interested in any of the recipes I list, feel free to leave me a comment and I will direct you to it.

What It Feels Like

For the past 4 years or so, I have followed a blog, Hyberbole and a Half.  It has been some time since the girl that writes this blog has posted.  Her posts are usually beyond humorous, but tend to have some pretty strong language.  The last blog she posted was about her depression and was about a year and a half ago.  After that, she pretty much fell off the face of the earth.  Today, she finally made a new post.

Since, I was about 18-years-old, I have experienced bouts of depression, some only lasting a few weeks and others months on end.  To some people, these are pretty hard to explain.  Most of the time, I can handle  it with exercising and eating well, but there are moments when I can't even muster the motivation to try.  I started feeling this way again in January and February of this year, but have come out of it.

From October 2010 to about July 2011 was the longest time of my life.  I don't remember a lot about my life during this time.  I don't remember much of what I spent my time doing or thinking about.  I do remember feeling like I just really didn't care about anyone or anything.  I can't really explain it to people or really even to myself - until this post.  So, if you struggle with depression or know someone that does and you want some sort of insight into what exactly they are going through, you might want to read it.

Just so you know... there is a space that only you can fill.

Hello!

I have a post that I'm working on regarding the half marathon, but I'm not really happy with it yet - maybe it will be up one day.

Until then, I wanted to post some pictures from mine and Justin's day today.  It has been the perfect lazy Sunday, and was just now completed by watching the newest episode of Game of Thrones.  Justin and I really love this show.

Dany (my favorite character!) with her army, The Unsullied

Yesterday, I spent pretty much the whole day with my good friend, Kerry.  We had brunch, got our nails done, and she showed me a good running route up in Bountiful so that I can start training on harder routes in an effort to increase speed on my normal route.  On Tuesday, I'm meeting Geneva to do hill sprints.  Sounds like a whole lot of torture!
I took a few pictures of my run.

Beautiful Utah - Green, desert, lake - all in one shot

Road to Mueller Park in Bountiful

After my run, I took a nice long shower and had a relaxing nap with Justin and the puppies.  Once we woke up, we went out for a Sunday picnic.

My love, my life

Fievel & Ellie - they both love being outside!!!

As you can see, life has been going quite well for us lately.  Justin is busy doing school and running our business.  I'm busy working, running, and trying to keep us healthy.  Up next, I am going to run the Legacy Midnight Half, the goal is to come in under 2 hours and you get a flashing medal!!!  Hence the speed training!  I also looked at the Utah Half Marathon and it looks like so much fun!  Lots of elevation changes though, so I'm gotta up my game there as well.  I have also started doing the 30 Day Shred in an effort to slim down and get more lean muscle.  The less weight I carry, the faster I will run!

I did want to share with you some interesting (and easy!) recipes that I'm planning on making this upcoming week.

Sweet Potato and Beet Hash
BBQ Pork Stuffed Sweet Potatoes

Kale & Black Bean Burritos

Avocado & Egg Pizza

and for our easy portable lunch...
Sweet Potato & Black Bean Salad

Do you see a pattern here?  Justin LOVES sweet potatoes and I rather like them as well!  Plus, they are SO good for you!  

That's it for today!  Thanks for stopping by!

Me on 3.24.13 after 8 miles

“Someone I loved once gave me a box full of darkness. It took me years to understand that this too, was a gift.” ― Mary Oliver

Over the past three weeks, I feel like I have been slowly clawing myself out of a hole that I must have fallen into.  Be it seasonal depression or just one of life's slumps, I had no motivation.  No motivation and a Half Marathon in less than a month don't exactly go hand-in-hand. 

But for some reason, I kept trying.... 3 miles... then 4... and then a few Sundays ago, I hit 7 miles.  7 MILES!!!  The furthest I've ever run is 6 miles for the two 10Ks that I've done.  The elated feeling I felt when Endomondo came on "You have reached your goal" is something that I can't even describe.  It was more than 7 miles... it was pride, it was happiness, it was security - all things that I haven't felt about myself in a while.

Sometimes life seems so pointless, like one never ending battle - and sometimes I just want to throw up my white flag and be done.  

Me on 4.3.13 after 9 miles

I guess at this point in my life, I need to start giving myself credit for what I have and CAN get through and stop pulling myself down.  The question should not be "Can I get through this?"  It should be, "What do I need to do to make this doable?"  I spend so much time looking back on my life and berating myself for every mistake made, every wrong word said, and not enough time looking back and seeing what, at 26-years-old, I have accomplished.  

I spoke to someone not too long ago, I told her I was afraid of dying.  Afraid of looking back on my life and feeling like I hadn't done enough.  Afraid that my relationships weren't strong enough, that I wasn't a good enough person.  I explained that I work for an amazing man who travels all over the world performing eye surgeries on children and that I envy him for the impact he will leave on the world long after he is gone.  What have I spent my life doing???  What she told me has stuck with me, she said, "It sounds to me like you have spent your life learning."

I still have such a long way to go and so many things that I need to do, but for today - for right now we'll start with this.  I need to begin to start trusting myself again.  I can do this.  This is no big deal.  13.1 miles, here I come.