Me on 3.24.13 after 8 miles

“Someone I loved once gave me a box full of darkness. It took me years to understand that this too, was a gift.” ― Mary Oliver

Over the past three weeks, I feel like I have been slowly clawing myself out of a hole that I must have fallen into.  Be it seasonal depression or just one of life's slumps, I had no motivation.  No motivation and a Half Marathon in less than a month don't exactly go hand-in-hand. 

But for some reason, I kept trying.... 3 miles... then 4... and then a few Sundays ago, I hit 7 miles.  7 MILES!!!  The furthest I've ever run is 6 miles for the two 10Ks that I've done.  The elated feeling I felt when Endomondo came on "You have reached your goal" is something that I can't even describe.  It was more than 7 miles... it was pride, it was happiness, it was security - all things that I haven't felt about myself in a while.

Sometimes life seems so pointless, like one never ending battle - and sometimes I just want to throw up my white flag and be done.  

Me on 4.3.13 after 9 miles

I guess at this point in my life, I need to start giving myself credit for what I have and CAN get through and stop pulling myself down.  The question should not be "Can I get through this?"  It should be, "What do I need to do to make this doable?"  I spend so much time looking back on my life and berating myself for every mistake made, every wrong word said, and not enough time looking back and seeing what, at 26-years-old, I have accomplished.  

I spoke to someone not too long ago, I told her I was afraid of dying.  Afraid of looking back on my life and feeling like I hadn't done enough.  Afraid that my relationships weren't strong enough, that I wasn't a good enough person.  I explained that I work for an amazing man who travels all over the world performing eye surgeries on children and that I envy him for the impact he will leave on the world long after he is gone.  What have I spent my life doing???  What she told me has stuck with me, she said, "It sounds to me like you have spent your life learning."

I still have such a long way to go and so many things that I need to do, but for today - for right now we'll start with this.  I need to begin to start trusting myself again.  I can do this.  This is no big deal.  13.1 miles, here I come.