What It Feels Like

For the past 4 years or so, I have followed a blog, Hyberbole and a Half.  It has been some time since the girl that writes this blog has posted.  Her posts are usually beyond humorous, but tend to have some pretty strong language.  The last blog she posted was about her depression and was about a year and a half ago.  After that, she pretty much fell off the face of the earth.  Today, she finally made a new post.

Since, I was about 18-years-old, I have experienced bouts of depression, some only lasting a few weeks and others months on end.  To some people, these are pretty hard to explain.  Most of the time, I can handle  it with exercising and eating well, but there are moments when I can't even muster the motivation to try.  I started feeling this way again in January and February of this year, but have come out of it.

From October 2010 to about July 2011 was the longest time of my life.  I don't remember a lot about my life during this time.  I don't remember much of what I spent my time doing or thinking about.  I do remember feeling like I just really didn't care about anyone or anything.  I can't really explain it to people or really even to myself - until this post.  So, if you struggle with depression or know someone that does and you want some sort of insight into what exactly they are going through, you might want to read it.

Just so you know... there is a space that only you can fill.

Hello!

I have a post that I'm working on regarding the half marathon, but I'm not really happy with it yet - maybe it will be up one day.

Until then, I wanted to post some pictures from mine and Justin's day today.  It has been the perfect lazy Sunday, and was just now completed by watching the newest episode of Game of Thrones.  Justin and I really love this show.

Dany (my favorite character!) with her army, The Unsullied

Yesterday, I spent pretty much the whole day with my good friend, Kerry.  We had brunch, got our nails done, and she showed me a good running route up in Bountiful so that I can start training on harder routes in an effort to increase speed on my normal route.  On Tuesday, I'm meeting Geneva to do hill sprints.  Sounds like a whole lot of torture!
I took a few pictures of my run.

Beautiful Utah - Green, desert, lake - all in one shot

Road to Mueller Park in Bountiful

After my run, I took a nice long shower and had a relaxing nap with Justin and the puppies.  Once we woke up, we went out for a Sunday picnic.

My love, my life

Fievel & Ellie - they both love being outside!!!

As you can see, life has been going quite well for us lately.  Justin is busy doing school and running our business.  I'm busy working, running, and trying to keep us healthy.  Up next, I am going to run the Legacy Midnight Half, the goal is to come in under 2 hours and you get a flashing medal!!!  Hence the speed training!  I also looked at the Utah Half Marathon and it looks like so much fun!  Lots of elevation changes though, so I'm gotta up my game there as well.  I have also started doing the 30 Day Shred in an effort to slim down and get more lean muscle.  The less weight I carry, the faster I will run!

I did want to share with you some interesting (and easy!) recipes that I'm planning on making this upcoming week.

Sweet Potato and Beet Hash
BBQ Pork Stuffed Sweet Potatoes

Kale & Black Bean Burritos

Avocado & Egg Pizza

and for our easy portable lunch...
Sweet Potato & Black Bean Salad

Do you see a pattern here?  Justin LOVES sweet potatoes and I rather like them as well!  Plus, they are SO good for you!  

That's it for today!  Thanks for stopping by!

Me on 3.24.13 after 8 miles

“Someone I loved once gave me a box full of darkness. It took me years to understand that this too, was a gift.” ― Mary Oliver

Over the past three weeks, I feel like I have been slowly clawing myself out of a hole that I must have fallen into.  Be it seasonal depression or just one of life's slumps, I had no motivation.  No motivation and a Half Marathon in less than a month don't exactly go hand-in-hand. 

But for some reason, I kept trying.... 3 miles... then 4... and then a few Sundays ago, I hit 7 miles.  7 MILES!!!  The furthest I've ever run is 6 miles for the two 10Ks that I've done.  The elated feeling I felt when Endomondo came on "You have reached your goal" is something that I can't even describe.  It was more than 7 miles... it was pride, it was happiness, it was security - all things that I haven't felt about myself in a while.

Sometimes life seems so pointless, like one never ending battle - and sometimes I just want to throw up my white flag and be done.  

Me on 4.3.13 after 9 miles

I guess at this point in my life, I need to start giving myself credit for what I have and CAN get through and stop pulling myself down.  The question should not be "Can I get through this?"  It should be, "What do I need to do to make this doable?"  I spend so much time looking back on my life and berating myself for every mistake made, every wrong word said, and not enough time looking back and seeing what, at 26-years-old, I have accomplished.  

I spoke to someone not too long ago, I told her I was afraid of dying.  Afraid of looking back on my life and feeling like I hadn't done enough.  Afraid that my relationships weren't strong enough, that I wasn't a good enough person.  I explained that I work for an amazing man who travels all over the world performing eye surgeries on children and that I envy him for the impact he will leave on the world long after he is gone.  What have I spent my life doing???  What she told me has stuck with me, she said, "It sounds to me like you have spent your life learning."

I still have such a long way to go and so many things that I need to do, but for today - for right now we'll start with this.  I need to begin to start trusting myself again.  I can do this.  This is no big deal.  13.1 miles, here I come.

Let's Be Honest

I don't believe in God.

Now when I say that... I don't mean that in a there definitely is no God sort of way.  I also don't believe that in an I am an intellectual and I know more than you sort of way.  All I mean is that for me, for my life, and to put together the pieces in my brain there is no God.

I could sit here and try and explain why exactly that makes sense to me, but that isn't the point of all of this.  I first accepted the realm of possibility that there wasn't a God when I was going through my divorce.  I remember saying to my friend that I finally needed to accept that I wasn't ever going to have this big huge spiritual experience that would change everything for me, that if I was going to believe in God that I just needed to believe and stop questioning it.  That may sound like resounding truth to you - but it still didn't sit right with me - and here I am about 3 years later, a -not wanting to admit it- atheist.

For me, God was a lot like my relationship with my ex and a lot like my relationship with a lot of people.  He was someone that expected a lot of me that I was continually letting down, but continually chasing after to please.  God was my abusive relationship.  I apologize if that offends any of you.  I really, truly honestly do.

For those of you out there, true believers that you are, that are thinking that I was angry at God for my divorce and that is what led me down this path - then go right on ahead and believe it.  If it brings you comfort or makes sense for you and your life, then I will not begrudge you that.

The problem?  How does a girl that grows up, not only in a religious family, but with mainly religious friends and culture absolutely surrounding her find meaning in her godless life?  Well I don't know - and I guess that's what I'm asking you.  

I tried the atheist route, I made friends and even met my husband while attending a Utah Valley Atheists party.  I have no interest in picking apart the intellectual reasons that people do or do not believe.  I have no interest in feeling like a victim of my upbringing because it didn't work out for me.  I have no interest in leading others to believe or think the way that I do.  I have no interest in spending my time devoting my life to  a belief that there is no God, when I couldn't devote my life to a belief that there was one.  

What do I want?  

I want to be happy.

I want to live a life that has MEANING..

I want compassion, understanding, and love.

I want to be uncompromisingly, legitimately, and truthfully me.

***Afterthought:

I wrote this post about a month or so ago.  I have been debating putting it up in this space for fear of not being accepted.  I know that most of you know that I feel this way, but I have never truly came out and said it.

I said in this post that "I want to be uncompromisingly, legitimately, and truthfully me."  This is my blog - and you guys are my friends.  Accept it or don't... but there it is.  I hope you do accept.

As always, I am open to discussions about this, what I believe, what you believe - as long as you remember that I too deserve my thoughts and feelings to be respected.

My ADD

Hello!  I don't know that I honestly have ADD, but it sure does seem like it in my half-hearted attempt at keeping a blog the last few years.  I've done a myriad of different things... a cooking blog, a crafting blog, a weight loss blog... never seems to really stick, but here's to another try!

First of all:  Justin and I tied the knot!!!  We've been married for just under a month at this point - and I can't say that life is much different, but that's a good thing because there was a reason that I married him afterall!  More pictures to come!

Secondly, I started my half marathon training full force a couple of weeks ago and I am making some great progress.  The Salt Lake City Half is in 102 days.  For those of you that are doing it with me, seriously now is the time to get your butts moving!  In conjunction with that, I have decided to go on a more serious fitness and nutrition plan with the help of my awesome sister-in-law, Eliza.  In an effort to update this blog on a more regular basis, I've decided to journal my food and workouts here!  Hopefully that will also entice me to tell you guys what ELSE is going on in our lives!

For today, I woke up late so I didn't get all 5-6 meals in, but I would say I did pretty good.

B:  Celery and all natural peanut butter
S1:  Protein shake with almond milk
L:  3 oz chicken breast, spinach, 1 T cottage cheese on a whole wheat (low carb) tortilla
D:  3 oz salmon, spinach salad with sweet peppers, cucumber, tomato with Greek dressing.

I'm not sure how much water I have drank today, but I imagine that I am close to my goal of 96 oz.

For my workout today - as you can see on the right hand side, I ran a little over 4 miles.  The timing was not great, but it's freezing outside and my muscles are sore!!!  :-)  We can only hope I'll get faster.  I plan on doing some hill sprints and interval workouts within the next couple of days in an effort to increase speed.

Until next time!

Little Entitled Spoiled Brat

If you are my friend on facebook - you know that I have become the very thing that I made fun of.  

My dog is my baby.  

I worry about Fievel when I'm at work.  I worry about him when I'm at home.  I buy him toys and food, anything I think he could ever possibly need because he is my baby.

When we eat dinner, he barks at us - fully expecting that that food so nicely laid out on our plates belongs to him - because really, doesn't it???

This little dog has brought me more happiness than I could ever imagine and I wouldn't change a thing.

What a brat.

The Details

Most of you know that Justin and I met at a party almost 2 years ago.  What you may not know, is that we didn't actually talk to each other at that party because I was there on a date and Justin was the new kid, so he was just meeting a lot of people for the first time.  He still swears to this day that if he had noticed me that he would have asked for my number.  I definitely noticed him :-).
A couple of days after the party, Justin added me on Facebook since we had so many mutual friends.  He sent me a message a little while later asking me if I wanted to do something that night. I initially said no, because I had a 10k that upcoming weekend that I was training for and I was going running with my dad, but I asked for a raincheck.
The following day, Justin asked me if I had any plans again and we agreed to go down to The Gateway - and he would pick me up from my brother's place, where I was living.  Because of the streets surrounding my brother's house, there really isn't a quick and easy way to explain how to get there and once Justin showed up, he couldn't find which condo I was in, so he called me and I met him outside.  In the middle of Eric's condo complex, there is a cute little gazebo.  Justin was standing under there waiting for me and then he walked towards me and asked for a hug.  Obviously, the first date went well.

Yesterday, during the day, my sister-in-law, Nerissa, texted me to come over to hers and Eric's place to help them rearrange the living room/dining area as they just recently installed new laminate flooring.  Justin didn't get off until 6:00 from work, and Nerissa had offered to make us dinner, so I thought it would be easiest if I went over there when I got off and Justin could meet me over there later (falling right into the hands of their plans!).
I got there and we discussed their living room furniture and such and then we were just waiting for Justin.  Nerissa decided that she didn't want to cook and wanted to go to Agave instead.  I had called Justin and asked him where he was and he told me that he was just leaving work in Taylorsville, but told me that he was taking the longer way to get to Eric and Nerissa's.  I was pretty annoyed because everyone was hungry, but we continued waiting.  Justin texted me about 20 minutes later and told me that he had turned around to go get his laptop because he was going to work on our business while we were over there.  I was pretty frustrated and Eric and Nerissa started talking about leaving for Agave and having Justin meet us there.  I told them that Justin would have to drive right by the condo to go down there, so I might as well just wait for him there.  They were pretty insistent and I called Justin and told him to meet us at Agave.  We were walking out to the car - and I started heading a different way and Eric and Nerissa were heading towards the gazebo in the middle.  I turned the corner and there Justin was, down on one knee.  :-)  I started exclaiming to Nerissa and Eric, "is he really doing this?  Is he really doing this?"  and Eric just said, "Just go!"

It couldn't have been more perfect because I've mentioned to him over and over again how special that place was to me - and having Eric and Nerissa there was perfect as well because of how much my brother means to me.
As far as the ring goes, Justin designed it himself and it is beautiful.  It has one BIG diamond in the middle and then it has diamonds wrapped around it on metal, resembling a rose.  It fits my personality perfectly, but of course - he knew that.

We're looking at 12/12/12 for our wedding date since Justin and I started dating on 10/10/10.