Let's Be Honest

I don't believe in God.

Now when I say that... I don't mean that in a there definitely is no God sort of way.  I also don't believe that in an I am an intellectual and I know more than you sort of way.  All I mean is that for me, for my life, and to put together the pieces in my brain there is no God.

I could sit here and try and explain why exactly that makes sense to me, but that isn't the point of all of this.  I first accepted the realm of possibility that there wasn't a God when I was going through my divorce.  I remember saying to my friend that I finally needed to accept that I wasn't ever going to have this big huge spiritual experience that would change everything for me, that if I was going to believe in God that I just needed to believe and stop questioning it.  That may sound like resounding truth to you - but it still didn't sit right with me - and here I am about 3 years later, a -not wanting to admit it- atheist.

For me, God was a lot like my relationship with my ex and a lot like my relationship with a lot of people.  He was someone that expected a lot of me that I was continually letting down, but continually chasing after to please.  God was my abusive relationship.  I apologize if that offends any of you.  I really, truly honestly do.

For those of you out there, true believers that you are, that are thinking that I was angry at God for my divorce and that is what led me down this path - then go right on ahead and believe it.  If it brings you comfort or makes sense for you and your life, then I will not begrudge you that.

The problem?  How does a girl that grows up, not only in a religious family, but with mainly religious friends and culture absolutely surrounding her find meaning in her godless life?  Well I don't know - and I guess that's what I'm asking you.  

I tried the atheist route, I made friends and even met my husband while attending a Utah Valley Atheists party.  I have no interest in picking apart the intellectual reasons that people do or do not believe.  I have no interest in feeling like a victim of my upbringing because it didn't work out for me.  I have no interest in leading others to believe or think the way that I do.  I have no interest in spending my time devoting my life to  a belief that there is no God, when I couldn't devote my life to a belief that there was one.  

What do I want?  

I want to be happy.

I want to live a life that has MEANING..

I want compassion, understanding, and love.

I want to be uncompromisingly, legitimately, and truthfully me.

***Afterthought:

I wrote this post about a month or so ago.  I have been debating putting it up in this space for fear of not being accepted.  I know that most of you know that I feel this way, but I have never truly came out and said it.

I said in this post that "I want to be uncompromisingly, legitimately, and truthfully me."  This is my blog - and you guys are my friends.  Accept it or don't... but there it is.  I hope you do accept.

As always, I am open to discussions about this, what I believe, what you believe - as long as you remember that I too deserve my thoughts and feelings to be respected.