Oh... the joy.

I'm tired of being a girl... but I don't really want to be a boy either.

I woke up this morning at 2 a.m. for work and I felt soooooo sick and I knew it was because of the slew of hormones going on in this body of mine.  I am done with it, THROUGH!

Who's with me?

I believe I can fly...

So I got back from Flaming Gorge on Saturday night, took about a day to recover and now for the report. I unfortunately forgot my camera, so there are no pictures, but we do have one video, soooo... I'll either post that here or on fb for all of y'all's enjoyment.

The trip was mostly uneventful. The water was pretty high so I didn't really feel the stinging slap of the water like last year. I do have a small bruise on the back of my leg from a slightly blotched landing, but nothing like the knee to bum bruise I had last year from going in slightly sideways... :-D I jumped off the 3rd to highest cliff this year, and it only took me about a minute (once standing up there) to get the courage to do so.

Justin, however, decided to be crazy like my big bro and jump of the "Big Dog" It's got to be at least 30 feet or so. I had never seen my brother jump off this cliff before so I was pretty nervous, but he did it and landed perfectly. After about 5 minutes, Justin decided that he wanted to jump too. Eric was really excited because no one else has ever taken this jump besides him. I was a nervous wreck. I knew Eric had done it before so while I was nervous, I was confident that he could do it. Justin on the other hand... I was terrified. I kept telling him not to do it, but could tell he really wanted to. Finally, I said - if you want to do it, I'm not going to stop you. He said - Well I'm not feeling very much support. I want you to say you want me to do it. And so... I said - Okay, fine. I want you to do it. (Very sarcastically) So Justin went over there with Eric and his friend Leon behind him (ready to jump in in case anything went wrong...) and after about 2 excruciating minutes he jumped. He thought he had more time to get his balance, but quickly hit the water with his arms spread and resounding thwack! He got up and we were all yelling at him asking if he was ok and he wasn't responding. I was almost in tears even though he was obviously moving around... and didn't calm down until I heard him say that his hands were tingling. He climbed up the cliffs and I got a very wet hug, but was still full of nervous energy for the next 15-20 minutes... maybe it will be better next year...

Important note, I did wear my new bikini from Victoria Secret and am happy to report no wardrobe malfunctions. Justin had convinced to wear it and I was a little nervous with the jumping off the cliffs and everything and although I checked myself every time before I popped out of the water, everything went smoothly! ;-)

So that about sums it up and we're all vacationed out until August 8, when we leave to go down to St. George/Arizona to go hike the narrows, see Justin's brother, and then head out to Long Beach where we'll get on a Carnival Cruise Ship and head to Mehico!!! I'll be off work for 2-1/2 weeks and I can hardly wait.

One last thing, quick shout out to a good friend who went out of her way to make me feel accepted after writing my last post. It isn't exactly easy to go against the norm and I appreciate your love and support. You've always been a great friend and I love you so much!! I need to come play with you and your boys soon.

Understanding

So, I mostly want this blog to be lighthearted and fun, but recently people have been asking me a lot of questions so I thought I'd just write it all out and if there is anything else you'd like to know, we can talk about it some more. What I'm about to write will be a touchy subject for some of you, but for the people that I know read this blog, I'm sure you can handle it because we've been through a lot - thick and thin.
So one of first things that people ask me when I tell them about my boyfriend, is whether or not he is LDS. He's not. You may have noticed from his facebook profile that he has a tattoo. He has 2 actually - and they're both very symbolic to him and actually have some really cool meanings. So yes, Justin is not LDS. In fact, he was LDS and had his name removed from the church. Justin served an honorable mission to New Caledonia (near Fiji) and about a month after getting home from his mission, he decided he was an atheist - and yes, Justin really, truly, honestly believes that there is no God and I can assure you that Justin is a good, happy person who treats me well and makes me incredibly happy.
So once that is all out in the open, the conversation generally turns to what I believe, being as I am with an ExMormon Atheist and whether I am ok with what Justin believes. (Although, we don't like labels - exmormon, atheist, agnostic, etc)
So here is the story... some of you may know part of this and some of you may not. When I was about 14-years-old, something very tragic happened in my homeward. I remember before sacrament meeting everyone was moving around and whispering and it was very apparent that SOMETHING was going on. I had no clue what it was, but right there in the midst of everything... this little thought popped into my mind. "They are going to announce the church isn't true." I don't know why I thought that, but I did and from there it only grew. I lived out my middle school and high school years as a very active LDS member, being Laurel president, on the youth counsel committee, and even got pulled out of young women's because the primary president liked me so much and asked me to teach sunbeams. I did all these things with an honest heart, but I still had this lingering thought in my head that all of this just didn't make sense to me, didn't click.
Once I went to college and felt free of my obligation to my ward and my parents, I stopped going to church. I still hadn't given up on it, but I was happier without it. Happier without all the pressure to look perfectly dressed every Sunday (which is only worse in college wards because you're competing for husbands...), happier to have more time to relax, do homework, run errands on Sundays, but there was still something missing for me. I met Emi - and we got married. The original plan was to be married for a year and then be sealed in the temple and while I wanting this, I also knew that I didn't want it. It didn't feel like me. I knew it wasn't authentic because I knew I was happier without the church.
Once mine and Emi's relationship fell apart, (Some of you know the details, some don't. I am more open to talking about it now if you'd like.)I started going to church with my parents. I went a total of 3 times in my home ward. There was a moment in my Gospel Doctrine class that everything clicked and everything made sense and I knew that I wasn't supposed to be there. I still wasn't quite sure where I was supposed to be though.
I attended another church (different religion) very briefly and while I appreciated their renewed and outspoken zest for God, I still didn't quite feel like I fit it - like what I was doing made sense to me.
There was a period of about 3 months where I stopped going to church completely, and I went hiking every Sunday with my brother. Out there is the treetops of Utah, I found happiness. I found peace. I felt like this is where I was supposed to be. In July, I met up with some similarly minded people and my ideas grew and developed and as my ideas were ever changing, and doubting was ok, dissonance was ok, I became a lot happier.
In October, I met Justin. Since then, we have decided that the group of people we were hanging out with really isn't working for us. There is too much of a focus on religion (or a decided lack thereof) and Justin and I would rather live our lives without it so basically, I've decided that if you want to label me, you can label me as nonreligious and just leave it at that.
I want to make it clear that I am not suggesting this to you or to anyone. I'm merely writing about my experience and the conclusions that I have come to. I respect anyone's decision to remain religious or to do away with it and if you'd like to talk about either way, I'm open to discussion.
I didn't leave the church because I was offended. I didn't leave it because I wanted to do bad things. I didn't leave because the devil was whispering in my ear. I didn't leave because of my divorce, I am not angry at God. And last of all, Justin (or anyone else) didn't convince me to leave. I left because it was what was best for me. I am happier, more motivated, and more confident than I can ever remember being in my life.
This is just a skim of what's going on in my mind and like I said, I am more than willing to discuss it with anyone. All that I ask is for you to leave the stereotypes behind and remember that I'm still Amy, I'm still a good person, and I still love and respect each and every one of you.

(Also, while my parents know about all of these decisions, I ask that you don't bring it up to them if the opportunity arises because it is still a hard thing for them and out of respect for me, I ask that you don't gossip about and bring more pain for them.)

2 a.m. and she calls me, cause I'm still awake.

Quick update at 2:00 in the morning - and no, I'm not still awake, just woke up for work.

Lots of random thoughts going through my head right now so I'm just going to jot them down for the enjoyment of everyone else.

I realized that I hate doing dishes, but I'll probably do mounds of them for the rest of my life, unless I get rich enough to get a maid. I should really put that on my *need* list.

I think everyone should have to be awake at 2 a.m. when I am. I keep looking at my phone expecting a text message, but then realize that most people are probably sleeping (or half sleeping while feeding their babies!!).

I'm a pretty lucky girl. My boyfriend made me dinner last night. Italian Tortelli Soup. He's hilarious though, he added some white wine - which was good, but he also added some pomegranate mixer so it had this weird fruity taste to it. Last time he made dinner, he made sloppy joes and added some Peach Mango V8 juice - what to do with him? Sometimes I think he does this so I'll stop asking him to make dinner, but at least there is always a surprise!

It is still very unsettling to see anyone in the kitchen but me and it takes great amounts of control to stop myself from going in and making sure he is doing everything right (and by that, I mean exactly the way I would do it!).

I have been excessively tired for the last 6 months or so. Orginally I thought it was because it was always so dark in the winter, making me tired, but it continued into the Spring and now Summer. It might be my weird work schedule, but I also think maybe I'm low on Iron or Vitamin B. I read online that Licorice root is good for excessive tiredness - so I'm headed to get some in the morn. Let me know if you have any other suggestions.

I've pretty much given up on wearing makeup for the summer.

Last night, I made a raspberry cobbler and I barely followed the recipe. It turned out great.

I find it interesting that the things that I was so crazy OCD about before (recipes, the part in my hair, cleaning, tracing the alphabet with my finger, etc) have all gotten much better now that my life is so calm and (emotionally) decluttered. It helps that I'm in a good relationship with someone I can really talk to. I've still got a ways to go as far as calming myself down, but I've come a long way.

and lastly, girls from middle school that you haven't talked to since that enjoy spreading rumors about you are lame. LAME!!!! Sorry girlfriend, but you know absolutely nothing about my life and you obviously need to get one.
Okay - passive agressive moment over.

Until next time!

An uPdAtE...

Hello everyone!!! I figured that it was long past time that I updated all of you on my life! Justin and I have been together for 9 months now and things are going really well. So well, in fact, that we moved in together a couple of months ago. I know that that is kind of different in Utah culture, but it's the choice that we made and I'm really happy. :-)
We are headed out on a cruise next month to Mehico. We'll leave Long Beach, CA and go to Cabo San Lucas and Porta Vallerta. We're going with some of Justin's friends from high school, a group that he refers to as "The Phamily." It should be a lot of fun. To save on costs, we got a room with two of his friends, Devin and Trent - so yes, I will be in a room with 3 boys... Haha. We're looking at possibly doing a zip line or maybe some horseback riding and spending lots of time on the beach. I've been working on my tan in an effort to not be the whitest girl in Mexico, but I probably still will be.
Things are going pretty well with my job, although after all that hard work of finding something so that I can work from home, I've decided that I'm not the homeworking type. I would like to find a job in a hospital or a doctor's office, although I'm also thinking about going back to school. The only problem is... I still at 24-years-old have NO idea what I want to do. Hopefully I'll get an epiphany in the next couple of months.
In about 8 days, we're headed out to Flaming Gorge again with my brother. I couldn't be more excited about throwing myself off a couple of cliffs. We just bought this bright orange cooler and it is pretty much the cutest cooler I've ever seen.
Justin's nephew was born about a week ago. Baby Rushton. He is adorable and it will be fun to see him around from here on out. Luckily, I seemed to have cured myself of the baby hunger I was experiencing a few years ago, and I figure I can wait a while... like 5 years. :-D
I've been taking a couple of fitness classes at Gold's Gym, and that has been really good for me. I really like Zumba, but recently went retro and took a step aerobics class and actually enjoyed that quite a bit as well. One of these days I'll get around to trying the hip hop class, but for now I'm quite happy.
I have done next to no hiking so far this summer, but that needs to be remedied soon. I went with my friend Rachel from Tasty Marble to Grandeur Peak a couple of weeks ago and it gave me the fever so hopefully it'll pick up soon.
So I think that is pretty much it for now - I'll try to update this thing more often, but really day to day life is not that exciting, but it is good.

2010 Survey... Blast from the past!

I used to fill out these surveys all the time when I was younger and I was feeling nostalgic, so I decided to do one today. Enjoy - and steal if you want!

1. What did you do in 2010 that you'd never done before?
Got divorced, cliff jumping, 13.5 hour road trip, went up in a small plane, mountain biking, and a lot of trying new things.

2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I don't think I had a New Years' resolution... my life at that time was just one day at a time - there was no way I could make a resolution for a whole year. No resolutions, but I've got some goals in mind.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
Yes! - I live in freakin' Utah.

4. Did anyone close to you die?
No.

5. What countries did you visit?
The good ol' US of A.

6. What would you like to have in 2011 that you lacked in 2010?
This last year has been amazing - I've done a lot of growing and changing, so the only thing I can ask for is that the progress doesn't stop.

7. What dates from 2010 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
July 8 - Divorce was final. October 10 - Mine and Justin's anniversary!

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Finally being able to stand up to a lot of my own personal demons, having the confidence that who I am is more than just acceptable, the realization that I can be my own hero.

9. What was your biggest failure?
Nothing in my life has been a failure - just a lot of learning.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
I got a wicked awesome bruise from cliff jumping.

11. What was the best thing you bought?
My Ipod Shuffle and the Christina Perri Ocean Way Sessions.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
Too many people to name. I am a very lucky girl to have the friends and family that I do. My support system is astounding - but especially my brother Eric.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
Haha, I think we all know the answer to that.

14. Where did most of your money go?
To fun. When was the last time anyone could say that?

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Cliff Jumping, hiking, and mountain biking.

16. What song will always remind you of 2010?
I Need You Now - Lady Antebellum

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
a) happier or sadder?
Happier would be an understatement.
b) richer or poorer?
Richer.

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
More hard work.

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
Worrying.

20. How will you be spending Christmas?
I spent Christmas all over Utah and Salt Lake Counties. Christmas Eve - Dinner at my parent's, party at Justin's friend's Chase's parent's house, slept over at Justin's mom's house. Christmas Day - Breakfast at Justin's mom's, Dinner at my parent's, and after dinner and white elephant gift exchange at Justin's Dad's.

21. Did you fall in love in 2010?
In and out. Phew, what a year.

22. How many ...one night stands?
None.

23. What was your favorite TV program?
Modern Family.

24. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
No one living.

25. What was the best book you read?
Pride and Prejudice

26. What was your greatest musical discovery?
Christina Perri

27. What did you want and get?
Confidence.

28. What did you want and not get?
Understanding.

29. What was your favorite film of this year?
Love and Other Drugs

30. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
Went out to dinner with Eric and Justin. The next day Justin took me to Park City. I turned 24.

31.What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
Less worrying.

32. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2004?
I'm a t-shirt and jeans kind of girl, but I did get some skinny jeans and some awesome plaid shorts. I also bought some shorts with a 5 inch inseam! GASP!

33. What kept you sane?
Running.

34. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
What does fancy mean? Christina Perri.

35. What political issue stirred you the most?
Gay Rights.

36. Who did you miss?
This is a tough question - I think the term "I miss..." would pretty much sum up most of my year.

37. Who was the best new person you met in 2010?
Justin, Geneva, and Tyler.

38. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2010:
Be yourself no matter the consequences.

39. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:
"But I have grown too strong to ever fall back in your arms"

Learning...

A couple of months ago, I went out on a girl's night with my friend Heather. We watched the movie Eat, Pray, Love. The movie was hard to sit through for a couple of reasons. One of the reasons being that it touched a lot of places in my life that I really wasn't comfortable with. I have grown in a lot of ways since that day, but a lot of things have stayed the same. I'm trying not to be too hard on myself about that fact because I'm realizing that everything in life is a process and with everything, hopefully you learn. I watched the movie again this morning because I was feeling particularly distant from myself.

Eat, Pray, Love is not an astounding movie, but its message rings loud and clear.

I wanted to write down some quotes that particularly hit me at this time in my life.

"So miss him. Send him some love and light every time you think about him, then drop it."

"Do you feel my love for you? My support for you? No. There's like nothing. I have no pulse. I used to have this appetite for my life and it is just gone."

"I've been acting like a kid since I was 15. I've either been with a guy or breaking up with a guy. I have not given myself two weeks of a breather to just deal with, ya know, myself."

"I remember an old catholic joke about a man who spent his life going to a church every day and prayed to the statue of a great saint begging "please, please, please let me win the lottery." Finally, the exasperated statue comes to life and looks down and say, "Please, please, please buy a ticket." So now I get the joke and I bought three tickets."

"God dwells within you, as you."

"Balance is not letting anyone love you less than you love yourself."

"Sometimes to lose balance for love is part of living balance in life."

"If you are brave enough to leave behind everything familiar and comforting (which can be anything from your house to bitter old resentments) and set out on a truth-seeking journey (either externally or internally) and if you are truly willing to regard everything that happens to you on that journey as a clue, and if you accept everyone you meet along the way as a teacher, and if you are prepared- most of all- to face (and forgive) some very difficult realities about yourself... then truth will not be withheld from you"