Understanding

So, I mostly want this blog to be lighthearted and fun, but recently people have been asking me a lot of questions so I thought I'd just write it all out and if there is anything else you'd like to know, we can talk about it some more. What I'm about to write will be a touchy subject for some of you, but for the people that I know read this blog, I'm sure you can handle it because we've been through a lot - thick and thin.
So one of first things that people ask me when I tell them about my boyfriend, is whether or not he is LDS. He's not. You may have noticed from his facebook profile that he has a tattoo. He has 2 actually - and they're both very symbolic to him and actually have some really cool meanings. So yes, Justin is not LDS. In fact, he was LDS and had his name removed from the church. Justin served an honorable mission to New Caledonia (near Fiji) and about a month after getting home from his mission, he decided he was an atheist - and yes, Justin really, truly, honestly believes that there is no God and I can assure you that Justin is a good, happy person who treats me well and makes me incredibly happy.
So once that is all out in the open, the conversation generally turns to what I believe, being as I am with an ExMormon Atheist and whether I am ok with what Justin believes. (Although, we don't like labels - exmormon, atheist, agnostic, etc)
So here is the story... some of you may know part of this and some of you may not. When I was about 14-years-old, something very tragic happened in my homeward. I remember before sacrament meeting everyone was moving around and whispering and it was very apparent that SOMETHING was going on. I had no clue what it was, but right there in the midst of everything... this little thought popped into my mind. "They are going to announce the church isn't true." I don't know why I thought that, but I did and from there it only grew. I lived out my middle school and high school years as a very active LDS member, being Laurel president, on the youth counsel committee, and even got pulled out of young women's because the primary president liked me so much and asked me to teach sunbeams. I did all these things with an honest heart, but I still had this lingering thought in my head that all of this just didn't make sense to me, didn't click.
Once I went to college and felt free of my obligation to my ward and my parents, I stopped going to church. I still hadn't given up on it, but I was happier without it. Happier without all the pressure to look perfectly dressed every Sunday (which is only worse in college wards because you're competing for husbands...), happier to have more time to relax, do homework, run errands on Sundays, but there was still something missing for me. I met Emi - and we got married. The original plan was to be married for a year and then be sealed in the temple and while I wanting this, I also knew that I didn't want it. It didn't feel like me. I knew it wasn't authentic because I knew I was happier without the church.
Once mine and Emi's relationship fell apart, (Some of you know the details, some don't. I am more open to talking about it now if you'd like.)I started going to church with my parents. I went a total of 3 times in my home ward. There was a moment in my Gospel Doctrine class that everything clicked and everything made sense and I knew that I wasn't supposed to be there. I still wasn't quite sure where I was supposed to be though.
I attended another church (different religion) very briefly and while I appreciated their renewed and outspoken zest for God, I still didn't quite feel like I fit it - like what I was doing made sense to me.
There was a period of about 3 months where I stopped going to church completely, and I went hiking every Sunday with my brother. Out there is the treetops of Utah, I found happiness. I found peace. I felt like this is where I was supposed to be. In July, I met up with some similarly minded people and my ideas grew and developed and as my ideas were ever changing, and doubting was ok, dissonance was ok, I became a lot happier.
In October, I met Justin. Since then, we have decided that the group of people we were hanging out with really isn't working for us. There is too much of a focus on religion (or a decided lack thereof) and Justin and I would rather live our lives without it so basically, I've decided that if you want to label me, you can label me as nonreligious and just leave it at that.
I want to make it clear that I am not suggesting this to you or to anyone. I'm merely writing about my experience and the conclusions that I have come to. I respect anyone's decision to remain religious or to do away with it and if you'd like to talk about either way, I'm open to discussion.
I didn't leave the church because I was offended. I didn't leave it because I wanted to do bad things. I didn't leave because the devil was whispering in my ear. I didn't leave because of my divorce, I am not angry at God. And last of all, Justin (or anyone else) didn't convince me to leave. I left because it was what was best for me. I am happier, more motivated, and more confident than I can ever remember being in my life.
This is just a skim of what's going on in my mind and like I said, I am more than willing to discuss it with anyone. All that I ask is for you to leave the stereotypes behind and remember that I'm still Amy, I'm still a good person, and I still love and respect each and every one of you.

(Also, while my parents know about all of these decisions, I ask that you don't bring it up to them if the opportunity arises because it is still a hard thing for them and out of respect for me, I ask that you don't gossip about and bring more pain for them.)